2 Essential Keys To Communication
Why is "improving communication" the number one request by couples? Learn the two keys to success!
When I say “Christmas Morning” what images come to mind? How about “clean kitchen?” “Vacation?” We have as many different images as there are people reading this post right now. The same exact word, yet different meaning. When it comes to relationships this is profoundly important!
Daily use the same language as our partner, yet intended meaning often gets lost in translation. We are saying one thing, our partner is picturing or hearing another. What happens next? Conflict, disappointment, misunderstanding and frustration. “I thought you said you would clean the kitchen?” “....I did clean the kitchen!” One phrase “clean kitchen” two different definitions.
Even more problematic is when we have a trigger word or phrase that holds powerful negative meaning. “What the heck are you doing?!” Our partner says to us in a moment of frustration. The chord is struck and a flood critical phrase used by a parent comes flooding back. We feel as worthless, unloved and as much of a failure as we did growing up. The words pierce with unintended depth. One phrase, two meanings.
We have two essential tasks in a relationship:
1. Recognize that your definition is not universal! If we could look up “Christmas Morning” in the proverbial dictionary, your definition might be the fourth or fortieth one listed! “What are you doing?” May not carry the weight or malice that it did growing up when said by your perpetually angry and disapproving father. Words can carry unintended weight and confusion. We must recognize that intended meaning is not guaranteed to make its way to your partner.
2. Begin to create a new dictionary. Slow down communication and take a moment to make sure intended meaning is being communicated and begin forming new definitions. What are some useful phrases to do this?
“Can you tell me what you mean by ____________?”
“What are you picturing when you say “weekend at the coast?”
“When I hear _________, I think ____________, is that what you mean?”
“So what you’re picturing/thinking/meaning is ______________________________, is that correct?”
Using these phrases is a thousand times harder to do in the heat of the moment, but if we begin to practice in the everyday, we will have a much higher chance of success when it comes to those moments of miscommunication that carry immense weight.
Next time you and your partner get into a communication mishap or a conflict, slow down and think “dictionary!” “Humm, is there a definition problem here? Is the intended meaning getting lost in translation?” Then get out the red pen and get ready to re-write the dictionary and enjoy all the benefits of clear, smooth, “happily-ever-after” type communication!