Counter-Cultural Parenting
How putting down the parenting book and heading out for a date-night may be a short-cut to ending your toddlers temper-tantrums or teenage arguing match.
Our culture is always kids first. Most of the time and energy goes towards kids and their activities. The desire to love, care for and support our kids is amazing, yet often our marriages and self-care/self-awareness goes by the wayside. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, research has actually found what is “best for our kids” is healthy marriages and healthy individual parents, yet these are typically the first things to be neglected.
I remember a professor (who was also a therapist) in my master’s program for Marriage and Family therapy sharing a story from his life. He and his wife were in the thick of child-raising, his boys were eight and eleven. Somewhere along the way he and his wife had become more like “roommates'' then a couple. Their boys were continually acting out at home and school. Instead of addressing the boys ``behavior issues” they decided to address their “marriage issues.” They began to date each other again. They began going on dates every Friday night in their own living room. They would send the boys upstairs to bed early. They would cook together, eat dinner by the fire and begin to get to know each other again. As they rekindled their relationship (without ever leaving the house!) the boys behavior issues almost completely resolved themselves!
Although counter-intuitive, their situation is not unique. Often kiddos behavior issues resolve when couples take time and energy to strengthen their marriage. Often our kids are acting out our stress.
In the same way, our marriage gets healthier and more life-giving when individuals take time to attend to ourselves. It is near impossible to have a healthy marriage when one or both partners is not taking time to care for themselves. Although this is so important, most of us can't remember the last time we had time alone for reflection or rejuvenation!
What would happen if our kiddos behavior issues triggered us to think about investing more time/energy in our marriage and our own self-care? Or what would happen if when we thought about our marriage, we asked the last time we had taken time for individual reflection and connection to things that reground us such as nature, God, yoga, exercise, art, music, etc…?
You may find yourself thinking things like “I could never have time for personal reflection or reconnection or date-night or …” This is the power of our cultural messages! “Relationship and individual health are last priority. Work, kids and keeping up with the Insta-famous Jones’ is #1!” Yet, we have all had the anecdotal experience of how much better of a parent and partner we are when we are rested and rejuvenated.
Counter-cultural parenting starts with finding time/space to remember to connect with ourselves and our partners, and allow the fruit of that to flow into our kids.
Few Useful Tool for Investing in Your Relationship:
Relationship Happy Hour- The Four Types of Intimacy. Take an hour to invest in tools, tips and next steps for growing connection in your romantic relationship. You’re invited to join us LIVE. Bring your questions and drink of choice! MONDAY 2/22 & TUESDAY 2/23.
15 At Home Date Night Ideas. Carve out time for a "date-night." Have some topics off-limits (such as work, kiddos, to-do items). Make the space for it to feel a bit different than everyday life. Heck, you could even take a shower or put on some jeans and lip gloss-even if you're just hanging in the living room!